Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Irony of Alanis Morrisette ironies! The cosmic injustice of it all! It’s as if the 2006 season was specifically designed to torture Sox fans. The last weekend presents Red Sox Nation with quite the Hamletian dilemma: to root for the Yanks or not to root for the Yanks? That is the question. If the Yanks tank it against the Jays then the Sox finish third. That would be the end of quite a noble tradition. But if the Yanks step up, and the Sox finish strong, then there’s no concern. Everything is as it should be…kind of…in New England. What to do?

If you root for the Bombers, welcome to life as a Yanks fan. I’ll give you a few pointers on how to properly be a Bombers follower:

  • Remember, you’re now rooting for the classiest, most important franchise in the world. Therefore, it’s time to get a shave and haircut. This is a company you’re a part of. Sit up in your seat, make eye contact, pronounce your words clearly, clean yourself up. It’s time to grow up. This isn’t college anymore. You get the point.
  • While Derek Jeter didn’t die for your sins, he could have. He very well could have. That said, everything he says is sacred. His inside-out swing is divine. He cares deeply about you.
  • You are allowed to boo A-Rod.
  • In all likelihood the Yanks are going to win. It’s an unusual feeling for you. I know. Relax. Enjoy it. You deserve it. Derek Jeter believes in you.
  • When you say "Melky", say "Melky!" Never say "Melky". It’s "Melky!" Cabrera. As in "Melky! made solid contact on that fly-out. Better luck next time, Melky! Cabrera."
  • Find out about Alvaro Espinoza. Research him. I’m sure there’s a Wikipedia entry. At Yanks fans cocktail parties, Alvaro is a good conversation starter.
  • Oh yeah, basically, you don’t take Mariano Rivera for granted…ever. When he comes in the game, let the person next to you know that you think it’s amazing that he’s been this good for this long and all this time with just one pitch! While he isn’t Derek Jeter’s father/and Derek Jeter at the same time, he could have been…He’s god. Or at least god-like.

I hope this helps. Or you could just finish in third.

14 comments… add one
  • Wait, the baseball season isn’t over yet?

    SF September 29, 2006, 4:43 pm
  • …good one, sf…

    dc September 29, 2006, 5:00 pm
  • I’ll take 3rd.

    Devine September 29, 2006, 5:27 pm
  • This is ugly. Making a deal with the devil. As much as losing to the Yanks sucks, I am unsure if I can really accept 3rd place. I would definately rather be the 1st loser than the 2nd.
    This is painful…..
    Go Yanks.

    Rob September 29, 2006, 5:41 pm
  • There is absolutely no difference between the two spots. I mean, maybe a few but it’s not like the 100 million reasons that separate first and third.

    Brad September 29, 2006, 5:44 pm
  • That was hilarious. Well done, Nick.
    “He very well could have” had me rolling.

    yankeesnj September 29, 2006, 5:48 pm
  • Awesome. You forgot to mention that after the 6th inning, anytime “Baba-O’Riley” is played to intro a batter, you have to recall Pauly O’s days in NY (and also mention how much better he is as a broadcaster than Kay).

    walein September 29, 2006, 6:05 pm
  • I think Timmy, the silverback gorilla at the Bronx zoo, would be a better broadcaster than Kay.

    Andrews September 29, 2006, 7:00 pm
  • fine with third. go jays.

    sf rod September 29, 2006, 8:42 pm
  • That’s great! You saved the best one for last!

    Fred Vincy September 30, 2006, 1:29 am
  • What’s especially ironic (Morisette definition only) about that post is that last night I was just filing away a stack of 1992 Upper Decks I’ve had sitting in a box for years, and one of them was Alvaro Espinoza. I actually took a brief moment upon looking at the “SS” on his card and seeing he played in 150-someodd games in 1991 to realize that he was probably Derek Jeter’s predecessor. Heh.
    And now here he is, mentioned on YFSF. Ironic, dontcha think? (Even though it’s not ironic at all — and what’s especially ironic is that none of the things in that song is ironic. But maybe that was the point. And maybe I’m reliving a conversation I had at least five times in college… Must go to bed…)

    Paul SF September 30, 2006, 3:36 am
  • …i’m probably off topic, but since someone mentioned a prior yank ss, here i go: some teams always seem to have trouble over the years filling certain positions, especially when they were once filled with a superstar, so you wind up with a parade of successors, who can never quite fit the shoes of the original guy…for a long time that position was 3rd base for the yanks [anybody remember celerino sanchez?]…i think shortstop was a tough spot for the yanks as well…that’s one reason [my twisted theory], that jeter is so revered by the yf’s…he’s finally filled an important position fairly consistently over the past few years that we haven’t had a good player in for many years prior to that…ironically the position of most unrest for the past few years for the sox has also been shortstop…call it the curse of nomar…

    dc September 30, 2006, 10:26 am
  • Paul…to quibble on Ms. Morissette’s use of irony, I think perhaps “ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife” is in fact ironic. Though I think that was just luck that she happened to include one ironic thing in the midst of ten thousand completely unironic things such as rain on your wedding day or what have you.
    I also see no difference between 2nd and 3rd place. Not this season.

    Devine September 30, 2006, 2:42 pm
  • Looks like we’ll finish in 3rd place anyway. And to be honest, there was no dilemma for me anyway. I root for the Red Sox, and whoever the hell is playing the Yankees. Two best possible outcomes for a Blue Jays-Yankees game 1. Both are caught cheating at the same time and are forced by MLB to forfeit. 2. Blue Jays win. It’s that simple.

    Quo October 1, 2006, 6:36 pm

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