Irony of Alanis Morrisette ironies! The cosmic
injustice of it all! It’s as if the 2006 season was specifically designed to torture Sox fans. The last weekend presents Red Sox Nation with quite the Hamletian dilemma: to root for the Yanks or not to root for the Yanks? That is the question. If the Yanks tank it against the Jays then the Sox finish third. That would be the end of quite a noble tradition. But if the Yanks step up, and the Sox finish strong, then there’s no concern. Everything is as it should be…kind of…in New England. What to do?
If you root for the Bombers, welcome to life as a Yanks fan. I’ll give you a few pointers on how to properly be a Bombers follower:
- Remember, you’re now rooting for the classiest, most important franchise in the world. Therefore, it’s time to get a shave and haircut. This is a company you’re a part of. Sit up in your seat, make eye contact, pronounce your words clearly, clean yourself up. It’s time to grow up. This isn’t college anymore. You get the point.
- While Derek Jeter didn’t die for your sins, he could have. He very well could have. That said, everything he says is sacred. His inside-out swing is divine. He cares deeply about you.
- You are allowed to boo A-Rod.
- In all likelihood the Yanks are going to win. It’s an unusual feeling for you. I know. Relax. Enjoy it. You deserve it. Derek Jeter believes in you.
- When you say "Melky", say "Melky!" Never say "Melky". It’s "Melky!" Cabrera. As in "Melky! made solid contact on that fly-out. Better luck next time, Melky! Cabrera."
- Find out about Alvaro Espinoza. Research him. I’m sure there’s a Wikipedia entry. At Yanks fans cocktail parties, Alvaro is a good conversation starter.
- Oh yeah, basically, you don’t take Mariano Rivera for granted…ever. When he comes in the game, let the person next to you know that you think it’s amazing that he’s been this good for this long and all this time with just one pitch! While he isn’t Derek Jeter’s father/and Derek Jeter at the same time, he could have been…He’s god. Or at least god-like.
I hope this helps. Or you could just finish in third.