Breaking: Peyton Manning Signs With Yankees

America’s great national wait is over. Peyton Manning’s handlers announced in the middle of negotiations with Denver that they have been instructed to talk with the New York Yankees. Manning becomes the number one starter on a pitching staff already bolstered by the potential return of Andy Pettitte, assuming that Pettitte doesn’t totally suck out in the minors. Freddy Garcia responded to the news of this latest addition to the burgeoning rotation: “I’m fucking pissed.”

The relief of a nation was best expressed by Mitt Romney, who was reached for comment in his Maybach in transit between his country club and his metropolitan athletic club: “Thank God. My campaign coordinator was certain Mr. Manning was going to declare himself the Republican nominee for President. I feel like I just passed a cue ball.”

Perhaps no one felt relief more than Denver quarterback Tim Tebow. “I guess, first and foremost, I’d like to thank my..” Tebow was interrupted by a profanity-laden tirade from John Elway, who threw a chair through a window before storming out of the room.