Central Intelligence (Free) Agency

The merry-go-round begins now.  What might happen?  One fan’s vision:

– Beltran rejects Yankees, instead signs 10 year, $120M no-bid deal with the Kellogg, Brown and Root subsidiary of Halliburton.  Beltran says "playing in New York is just too much of a battlefield".

– Varitek inks 3 year, $30M deal with Sox.  Sox compromise with agent Scott Boras by supplementing deal with 2 year $8M "Chia Head" endorsement package.

– Carl Pavano rejects offer from Oakland A’s, saying "having to see that little skank Alyssa Milano suck face with that airhead Zito on a nightly basis" would be too much of a distraction.

– Houston Astros mistakenly sign Ken Caminiti to 1 year contract.  GM Gerry Hunsicker says "we always wanted Ken to finish his career here".  Informed that Caminiti is, in fact, dead, Hunsicker acts relieved that the Astros only inked him to the major league minimum.

– Pedro Martinez quits baseball entirely, decides to join Scott Boras’ staff as head agent of new "Little People" specialty division.  Fledgling client list includes Sox’ good luck charm Nelson de la Rosa, accomplished stage and film actor Peter Dinklage, as well as Academy Award winner Dustin Hoffman.