Cure What Ails Ya

J.D. Drew has an interesting approach to maintaining his health, according to a fascinating article on The Eagle Tribune.  Next time you see him land one in the seats at Fenway, remember he’s probably wearing his BIOlife energy-support pendant under his shirt.  Folks, would you believe it if I told you it increases your energy by 100%? If you called me a liar, you’d be right, because it goes way past 100%.  If I said 200%, you’d say, "gerbil, that’s crazy talk," but you would still be wrong.  No siree, it offers a full 500% increase in "energy production."  Step right up and try yours today.  Major League Baseball has no policy on or test for performance-enhancing pendants, or PEPs, as they are known in the trade.  On the Yankees, they do have the rule you can’t wear them outside your jersey.

Hats off to Andrews AND Triskaidekaphobia for the tip.  More health tips in the extended.

Here are a few other components of Drew’s biochemist/certified clinical nutritionist’s recommended regimen for the Sox slugger:

QRS: Daily, 24 minutes on a relaxed session before bed; Apply to needed area (shoulder, knee) after workout.  You see, a Quantron (??) Resonance System works by, umm, resonating your quantrons (???) I suppose and neutralizes the negative effects of a variety of nasties on the cellular level.  I found one on sale in the UK for 1,500 pounds.  It looks like a yoga mat with a speak-and-spell attached.  There’s a handy but highly technical word document that explains in great detail how this machine works, including a diagram of the "Patented eloctromagnetic saw tooth wave."

Lubriflex: Supplement to enhance joint cartilage and preserve joints.  I can only imagine what a hit this would have been with my Trailblazers a few years ago.

Vitatonic: Replenishes valuable nutrients.  May restore hair growth when used as a topical, or not.

P2R (Prepare 2 Repair): Helps mitigate shock protein response created cellularly from exercise trauma; helps cells hydrate and recover faster.  May be used with Lister’s Carbolic Unguent, a Balsam Specific, a Curative Galvanic Belt and Smeckler’s Powder etc., for heightened effect.

Cell phone/computer strategy: Use of BIOpro chip and BIOpro pendant to limit radiation-induced damage to body’s cells.  If one is that concerned, maybe one shouldn’t own a cell phone or a computer.  Then again, imagine the damage done by second-hand cellular and computer cooties.  The lawyers will have a field day with this one.

Hyperbaric chamber: Device to remove toxins from the body.  I actually want to try this one.  Be like Mike.

38 comments… add one
  • Andrews??? Ugghh…
    http://www.eagletribune.com/sports/local_story_035094554?keyword=topstory+page=0
    Go check out this beauty on how J.D. Drew keeps himself healthy (sort of). Since we are trolling for ground breaking stories I figured I would submit and hot one!
    Posted by: Triskaidekaphobia |
    Monday, February 05, 2007 at 10:22 PM

    Triskaidekaphobia February 8, 2007, 8:18 pm
  • I made this point elsewhere, but the homebase of one of the companies mentioned is located where I live. Might try to be bothersome sometime next week.

    QuoSF February 8, 2007, 8:23 pm
  • It’s the same article as the one in the top post, Trisk.. your link is better because it’s all one page, so I’ll change it up top.. thanks.
    dear attackgerbil, you are a dolt. sincerely, future attackgerbil.

    attackgerbil February 8, 2007, 8:23 pm
  • I think Trisk wants the HT, Gerb!

    SF February 8, 2007, 8:44 pm
  • We can all take solace in the fact that Drew’s tryin’ real hard to stay healthy. :)
    The hyperbaric chamber, at least, is legit. A number of athletes swear by them, hospitals use them to treat several ailments, and the theory behind it makes total sense. That QRS thing is big in Europe, but seems like a load. But hey, if he thinks all this stuff helps, it probably does…placebo effect.

    desturbd1 February 8, 2007, 9:10 pm
  • LOL thanks SF. AG look at when I posted that link…I was teasing you because you said Andrews broke the story. I was telling you I posted it on Monday…..I feel like Rodney Dangerfield.

    Triskaidekaphobia February 8, 2007, 9:47 pm
  • AG. Take the hint. *nudge nudge, coughHT:TRISKcough*

    QuoSF February 8, 2007, 10:05 pm
  • Wait till they uncover that this stuff increases risk for a heart attack.
    … a pendant that increases your energy 500%? ok

    Russell February 8, 2007, 10:26 pm
  • They have a line of Bible-based supplement drinks and energy bars???

    pastorsteve February 9, 2007, 7:49 am
  • Not sure about the pendants and stuff, but as I mentioned when Trisk first posted the link (how’s that, Trisk?), the hyperbaric chamber and infrared sauna are all the rage in naturopathic healing nowadays. This is what I hear anyway. Me, I hate to even take ibuprofin when I have a headache.

    Paul SF February 9, 2007, 8:10 am
  • Gerbs,
    Fantastic!!
    Trisk,
    The theft of your thunder was unintentional – I didn’t see your post.

    Andrews February 9, 2007, 8:12 am
  • No problem Andrews! I am only joking of course.
    Thanks Paul!

    Triskaidekaphobia February 9, 2007, 8:35 am
  • I don’t know, all sounds kind of fluffy to me, he’s like a slugging Michael Jackson jesus freak…

    LocklandSF February 9, 2007, 10:15 am
  • If he slugs 25 HR this year and plays 140 games, I don’t care if he does acupuncture underneath a giant triangle. As long as he’s healthy and hitting (baseballs, and not his wife), I’ll have no trouble cheering for him and his health routine.

    Paul SF February 9, 2007, 10:36 am
  • Fair or not, NoMaas definitely has the best take on this :)

    Rob (Middletown, CT) February 9, 2007, 10:46 am
  • “If he slugs 25 HR this year and plays 140 games, I don’t care if he does acupuncture underneath a giant triangle.”
    Paul, you get a gold star for giving me the weirdest mental image of the day…and believe me, I can conjure up some weird mental images. :)

    Scott SF February 9, 2007, 10:57 am
  • If anyone is on the ESPN “insider” list, could you inform the rest of us what that article about Young and Texiera being locked up by Texas is about? Has Texas offered them contracts?

    Brad February 9, 2007, 11:01 am
  • Feb 8 – The Rangers are looking to lock up Michael Young and Mark Teixeira with long-term deals, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reports. Both players are eligible for free agency after the 2008 season.
    “I’ve said in the past I’d like to keep both guys in Texas well beyond the terms of their current contracts,” GM Jon Daniels told the newspaper, “and [I] still feel that way considering everything they bring on and off the field. We’ve had some early dialogue with their agents along those lines, but beyond that, we’re not going to discuss it publicly.”
    Teixeira will earn $9.4 million this year and is arbitration-eligible next season before becoming eligible for free agency. Young is entering the final year of a four-year contract, though the Rangers hold a $4 million team option for ’08.
    “For me, everything’s pretty simple,” Young said. “I haven’t really made a secret about anything, and that’s that I want to win. A couple years back, I think if you’d have asked anybody, they’d have said they didn’t want to play in Detroit. Winning just solves everything. That’s all I want to do.”
    Winning is a major goal for Teixeira as well. “Family comes first, and winning comes right behind that,” Teixeira said. “Wherever I wind up in two years is going to be somewhere I’m going to win.”

    LocklandSF February 9, 2007, 11:12 am
  • Don’t the Yankees Win? :)

    Triskaidekaphobia February 9, 2007, 11:15 am
  • Oops. Sorry, Trisk.. :) I misread your first comment and totally glided over the fact that you had the HT earlier. I blame the fact that my quantrons have been out of whack due to my neglecting to wear my BIOpendant while blogging. I have a new quantum flux capacitor on order (cost me 400 quatloos) and expect to be feeling much better later.
    attackgerbil regrets the error.

    attackgerbil February 9, 2007, 11:15 am
  • Just when I thought Paul gave me the weirdest image of the day…along comes AG.
    So with all that, can you get yourself up to 88mph?

    Scott SF February 9, 2007, 11:31 am
  • Not a problem AG!

    Triskaidekaphobia February 9, 2007, 11:37 am
  • I HATE THE RED SOX TICKETING PRACTICES!!!!
    “OPENING DAY, PATRIOTS DAY, NEW YORK YANKEES – TICKET OPPORTUNITY
    Thank you for registering for a chance to purchase tickets for a future Red Sox home game. Unfortunately your entry was not selected for this ticket purchase opportunity.
    Please be advised that if you registered for the opportunity to purchase either Green Monster or Right Field Roof Deck tickets (or both), you are still eligible for these drawings which will take place over the next few weeks.
    As a fan, your loyalty to the Red Sox is unparalleled and we would like to thank you by offering you a 10% discount at the Red Sox online store.”

    LocklandSF February 9, 2007, 11:40 am
  • ScottSF, I think the third comment in this thread answers your question sufficiently.

    attackgerbil February 9, 2007, 11:42 am
  • geez

    dc February 9, 2007, 11:50 am
  • No worries, Lockland. Just go to StubHub and buy one of those $1,800 Monster seats they have for sale.

    Paul SF February 9, 2007, 12:31 pm
  • I’ve noticed a sudden rise in my Starbucks stock lately and have also heard of the value coffee enemas (crappuccinos???) have in ridding the body of toxins. I don’t want to start a rumor, and Drew didn’t own up to anything of the sort – but I wonder if there could be a connection??? :)

    Andrews February 9, 2007, 1:09 pm
  • Triskaidekaphobia February 9, 2007, 1:35 pm
  • Aren’t they listed fifth?

    SF February 9, 2007, 1:39 pm
  • obviously the article’s written by a guy with a pro yankee bias…

    dc February 9, 2007, 1:44 pm
  • Sorry in my fury I missed them….Still, 5th? Yankees 4th? Angels #1???

    Triskaidekaphobia February 9, 2007, 1:47 pm
  • why all the jumping through hoops by drew to convince us that his regimen is legit?…hmmm?

    dc February 9, 2007, 2:01 pm
  • Maybe because he gets called 499 times a day by the press looking for stories about his health?
    That’s no excuse for entrusting your body to a magic bracelet, but it might be an explanation as to why we now know JD trusts magic bracelets.

    SF February 9, 2007, 2:12 pm
  • jumping through hoops? really,dc? He was asked questions that he answered them. If he had said that he’s up at six working harder than anyone else in the game, I’d by the argument that he may be jumping through hoops, but not here.
    All he said is that he feels great, and here’s some of the stuff he uses to get to that point.
    A couple of years ago, Maglio Ordonez tried to convince the world that the mountain medicine man fixed his knee that normal doctors couldn’t. How’s he been doing since we all called him crazy? I don’t buy into some of the hype of voodoo medicine any more than the next guy, but more often than not it’s feeling great in the mind that leads to feeling great everywhere else.

    Brad February 9, 2007, 2:18 pm
  • Mr. Gerbil –
    Save the center fielder, save the world.
    Y

    yankee38 February 9, 2007, 9:55 pm
  • hmmm…brad…i was just asking…i don’t necessarily smell a rat, but the more someone protests, the more….hmmm….?????

    dc February 10, 2007, 1:35 am
  • Never thought I’d see the day.
    Bible based supplements. Classic.

    Baseball Tickets February 12, 2007, 4:13 pm
  • … Did the angels get the word?

    Baseball Tickets February 12, 2007, 4:14 pm

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