We didn’t sign you because you’re beautiful. We know you’re a bit sloppy, and you’ve never had much interest in lifting anything over 16 ounces. We don’t even care if you blabber on about your “relationship” with Torre. Knock yourself out. But for the love of God, tomorrow, when you show up for practice, please— please—put on a jersey. Take one from the XXXXL rack. Something with sleeves. Anything but that red thing. We’ve been fielding calls here all day from horrified retirees and the parents of scared children. Less weight shifted in the Asian Tsunami. You make Schilling look like Ashley Olsen.
PS: No one’s seen Nelson de la Rosa all week.