***Intercepted Memo***

From: Theo
To: Boomer
Re: Jiggles

We didn’t sign you because you’re beautiful. We know you’re a bit sloppy, and you’ve never had much interest in lifting anything over 16 ounces. We don’t even care if you blabber on about your “relationship” with Torre. Knock yourself out. But for the love of God, tomorrow, when you show up for practice, please— please—put on a jersey. Take one from the XXXXL rack. Something with sleeves. Anything but that red thing. We’ve been fielding calls here all day from horrified retirees and the parents of scared children. Less weight shifted in the Asian Tsunami. You make Schilling look like Ashley Olsen.


PS: No one’s seen Nelson de la Rosa all week.

2 comments… add one
  • Theo –
    I spent 5 years working for a Boss who wouldn’t let me have facial hair, who put up this phony front of skull-numbing homogeneity. Finally, I get to act a little different, I get to show off my glorious physique, and with a little flair, at that! Sorry to break the news to you, but when you signed up the Boomer you also signed up the Boomer’s pecs. The shirt is staying in the drawer. Have a beer and lighten up, you just won the Series.

    Boomer February 19, 2005, 8:05 am
  • Boomer:
    “Skull-numbing homogeneity”? That just doesn’t sound like the Boomer we know and love. Who’s ghosting your correspondence? That guy who wrote your book? “Perfect You’re Not “is right. Grammatically and physically. Especially in the gut area.
    Put on a shirt today or you’ll be spending the season mowing the outfield in Pawtucket.

    Theo February 19, 2005, 10:23 am

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