attackgerbil met with reporters after arriving at work this morning following a brief hiatus.
Reporter: Why are you sitting there?
gerbil: I work here. It is my desk. I’m excited to be back at my job.
Reporter: You weren’t scheduled to be here until tomorrow. Why are you here today?
gerbil: It’s a busy time right now. I’ve got a lot of work to do, and I’m excited to get to it.
Reporter: So you are saying that you need extra time to get your work
done. Does that mean you aren’t in condition to do the work assigned
gerbil: No.. I mean yes.. wait. My condition is fine, and I am excited to start working on the tasks in front of us.
Reporter: You claim you are excited. If we are to believe that, why weren’t you here earlier?
gerbil: I was ready to be here today. I was eager before today, but I wasn’t ready to be here before today.
Reporter: So you are barely ready to be here. How is your mother?
gerbil: What? Umm, she’s fine.
Reporter: You didn’t mention your father. Do you hate your father?
Reporter: When did you stop hating your father?
gerbil: I never hated my father. He’s fine, I just didn’t think it was appropriate to talk about my mother or him right now.
Reporter: So you have an estranged relationship with your parents. You
are 37 now. Does your broken home, early late arrival, and borderline
readiness serve as an appropriate excuse for why you are babied like a
2 year old?
gerbil: I don’t agree with that characterization.
Reporter: Does your disagreeable nature stem from the fact that you are
not 37, but actually a three-month-old infant that refuses to grow up, fall asleep, and take to
gerbil: I just want to reiterate how excited I am to be getting back to work.
Reporter: You had indicated that March 1st was the day you were to
arrive. Does the fact that you were until last week an unborn fetus
mean that you were induced to be here? What changed?
gerbil: All I can say is I am ready to go now.
Reporter: What was the deal with the burro race in Wenatchee?
gerbil: I have no idea. I’ve never been to Wenatchee.
Reporter: So you never agreed to ride in the burro race?
gerbil: Not that I am aware of.
Reporter: In Wenatchee?
gerbil: No, not in Wenatchee.
Reporter: Then which burro race did you agree to ride in?
gerbil: I’ve never raced a burro, nor agree to ride in a burro race.
Reporter: So your disagree-ability extends to burro racing?
gerbil: I have no problem with burro racing. I just don’t know anything about that burro race.
Reporter: So you endorse the cruel sport of burro racing while
disagreeably hiding behind a veil of ignorance due to the fact that you
are in fact a recently fertilized egg seeking purchase in the uterine
lining of the mother you hate. In retrospect, should you have done a
better job of communicating, given that you weren’t here when the other
gerbil: I think I’ve done an excellent job of communicating with YF, SF, Paul and Nick. I’m not aware of them being miffed in any way.
Reporter: Want to hear my tape? I have it in my trailer.