Steroid Fact Sheet

Is there a way we can compile a list of facts about this entire steroid mess?
        -Regular commenter I'mBillMcNeal

Your wish is my command:

  • Steroids give you superhuman strength
  • If you combine HGH and steroids you will be able to fly in approximately 48 hours (Sorry, David Blaine)
  • Jose Canseco invented steroids
  • Alex Rodriguez knew someone named "Boli"
  • Hot weather is conducive to a "loosey-goosey" clubhouse culture
  • Baseball players will try anything once, much like my friend Donny in high school
  • Steroids can only be injected in your butt. If you do not inject in said body part, you are doing HGH or the Cream
  • Flax Seed Oil is good for pregnant women
  • Steroid use is worse than murder, domestic violence, but not worse than fans running on the field (ethically speaking).
  • Jose Canseco once led police on a three-state high speed chase while he thought up the formula for steroids
  • There is no truth to the rumor that Paul Simon uses steroids. (Which Paul Simon?)
  • The Rally Monkey is a tweaker
  • Richard Gere
  • Used beer cans usually contain syringes used by steroid users
  • Roger Clemens once threw a broken bat in the direction of Mike Piazza
  • Steve Phillips did not trade Scott Kazmir
  • David Ortiz weighed 100 lbs while on Minnesota. He was a speedy slap-hitter nicknamed "Mini-Eckstein"
  • Steroid-use is tearing our nation apart
  • Jose Canseco was given the Congressional Medal of Honor in a private ceremony held in Guam in the Fall of 2007.

7 comments… add one

  • · Nick wrote this article without the help of any humor-enhancing drugs. He plays the game the right way and still knocks it out of the park.

    attackgerbil August 8, 2009, 5:31 pm
  • “•David Ortiz weighed 100 lbs while on Minnesota. He was a speedy slap-hitter nicknamed “Mini-Eckstein””
    You forgot to mention that he was gritty.

    I'mBillMcNeal August 8, 2009, 8:28 pm
  • And although I love the humor, I was serious.

    I'mBillMcNeal August 8, 2009, 8:40 pm
  • Have a good flight Nick. NYC is in mourning. Donny has always said positive things about his HGH phase. The ladies always complimented his black jeans and his giant head.

    DR August 8, 2009, 9:36 pm
  • - Roger Clemens once threw a broken bat in the direction of Mike Piazza
    - Steve Phillips did not trade Scott Kazmir
    Hey! Those are fact-facts! All the rest, hilarious. Safe travels, Nick.

    FenSheaParkway August 8, 2009, 11:20 pm
  • Off the top of my head … feel free to add on …
    Indisputable facts (i.e., beyond a reasonable doubt):
    -Alex Rodriguez knowingly took steroids/HGH/banned substance
    -Andy Pettitte ditto
    -Jeremy Giambi ditto
    -Manny Ramirez ditto
    -Rafael Palmiero ditto
    -Jason Grimsley ditto
    -J.C. Romero ditto
    Disputable but notable
    -Roger Clemens (still denies, but there is mounting evidence)
    -Sammy Sosa (after Weiner’s comments yesterday, I would say there is some doubt here, but would the MLBPA have come to Sammy’s defense had his leak been inaccurate as they appeared to do with Ortiz?)
    -Barry Bonds (still denies he did so knowingly)
    Additional facts:
    -Mitchell Report is incomplete, although it was never intended to be complete
    -MLB has a policy in place now that was not in place 10 years ago
    -Substances/supplments have been added to the list since 2003
    -Before it was steroids/HGH it was greenies
    -Names on the 2003 list of failed tests were supposed to be confidential, and leaking them is violating a court order
    -Court orders can be undone
    Add as you wish. But remember: facts, not conjecture and speculation. (i.e., although skepticism (appropriately) remains, I do believe the Ortiz/Weiner press conference Saturday created reasonable doubt about Ortiz, that based on all of the information that currently is public, that in front of an impartial jury, Ortiz would be acquitted.)

    I'mBillMcNeal August 9, 2009, 1:20 pm
  • Wallace Matthews, Newsday, May 22, 2007:
    “[Tim Wakefield's] knuckleball, or whatever you want to call it, is a bigger menace to the game than steroids, growth hormone or Clomid will ever be. When Wakefield is pitching, the game moves slower than David Ortiz going from home to first. If as many guys in major-league baseball threw the knuckler as have taken performance-enhancing drugs, the game and its fans would have died of boredom years ago. …
    “Wakefield may very well be the least entertaining player ever to appear in a major-league uniform, unless of course passed balls, uncontested stolen bases, endless delays between pitches and three-ball counts on every batter is your idea of fun.”
    ***
    I know you all know that the Red Sox’s quickest games are usually started by Wakefield.

    redsock August 10, 2009, 9:43 am

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