Suppan Pitches Tonight, And Pitches His Case

Hello, friend.

I have an important message for you regarding Amendment Two. You see, there are these hucksters out there called ‘Scientists.’ If you haven’t known any of them, these are a bunch of shady fellows who want to make you think they are smarter and better than you by reading, studying, and then getting together to make up words and things you can’t find in the Bible.

Some of these ‘Scientists’ want you to believe that by researching something they call ‘stem cells’, they are going to find a cure for just about everything that ails you. Don’t be deceived. They think they can shoot invisible beams through your body and see a picture of your insides, but they can’t see the Truth. They say that with their electron microscopes they can see this so-called ‘DNA’ that proves we’re related to monkeys. Monkeys! They say there were dinosaurs, but no man ever saw one walking. They say they went to the moon, but no good person like you or me ever walked there with those so-called ‘astronauts.’ Don’t be deceived.

Take those ‘stem cells’ for example. Do you know where they get ‘stem cells’ from? They suck them right out of babies. That’s right, I said babies. To top it all off, these lying, hiding, thieving ‘scientists’ want you to put it in the Constitution that they can take your baby and copy it, just like running it through a Xerox, so they can make as many baby copies as they want to have to suck things out of. Here’s what to do with a Xerox machine: I sat on a Xerox once and sent a picture of my ass to the ACLU with a note that read, ‘Liberate This.’

So friends, I hope you will vote against Amendment Two. I’m Jeff Suppan. Join me, Carl Everett, L. Ron Hubbard, and the Forces of Truth in fighting anything we don’t understand or that (B/R)ush tells us to.


30 comments… add one
  • Hey, as a Scientist, I resent that post!
    You neglected to mention that we KILL BABIES and use them to make stem cells.

    yankeemonkey October 25, 2006, 8:08 pm
  • I, personally, don’t support killing babies; but I do support Carl Everett–that crazy son of a gun!

    walein October 25, 2006, 8:23 pm
  • YM, I envision a baby-sucking machine, kind of like what the fill milk bottles with, but in reverse. Can you spin one of those up?

    attackgerbil October 25, 2006, 8:29 pm
  • Hopefully the only sucking sound tonight is that of Suppan pitching. Go TIGERS!

    SF October 25, 2006, 8:43 pm
  • Stem cell research is overblown. I figured I’d see you guys cheering Jeter for winning the Clemente award instead of some dumb political argument (and it is a political, not a scientific argument). Not enough is known about stem cells to say they will ever cure anything. My wife has had type 1 diabetes for 25 years, and scientists have been on the verge of a “cure” the entire time.
    Mebbe it was stem cells on Kenny Rogers hand. That might be how he is throwing the ball 5 – 10 mph faster than the last 5 years.
    Ortiz wuz robbed!

    Tom sf October 25, 2006, 8:58 pm
  • Ain’t never no m#!#@@f%#kin’ dinosaurs, and we ain’t been anywhere near the goddamn moon. The damn thing is light years away. What, somebody go back in time? That shit don’t make sense to any kind of right-thinkin’ man. F$%k Alex P. Keaton.

    Hot Carl October 25, 2006, 9:01 pm
  • Perview is my frend. Jeets won the Aaron award, not the Clemente.

    Tom sf October 25, 2006, 9:03 pm
  • Tom, you make a valid point regarding how appropriate it was to bring up this topic in this venue. There was debate regarding this, and that essentially is the whole point.
    The satire, and it was meant to be satire which I wrote, was about the fact that the World Series pitcher tonight will try to influence voters in his home state during his pitching the game. If the game plays, there will be hundreds of thousands of people that are exposed to his endorsement, far more than this blog will reach, but it’s still worth talking about.

    Tom sf October 25, 2006, 9:09 pm
  • Is this a cloning joke? Very clever if so.

    Nick-YF October 25, 2006, 9:20 pm
  • Whoa….my mind was just blown….

    yankeemonkey October 25, 2006, 9:29 pm
  • That was a typepad crash, and I had nothing to do with it, clever or not. The reply to Tom was attackgerbil.

    attackgerbil October 25, 2006, 9:32 pm
  • Also, Tom, I want to personally express my respect and admiration for you and your wife. Please understand that this topic is familiar to me and one that I do not speak of with malice or with triviality.

    attackgerbil October 25, 2006, 9:38 pm
  • Suppan opened the door. No complaining that we walked into it.

    YF October 25, 2006, 10:16 pm
  • Very, good satire.

    Haha October 25, 2006, 10:26 pm
  • this post made getting out of bed worth it.

    Yankee Fan In Boston October 26, 2006, 8:32 am
  • Are they really going to be paying crack whores for their eggs? Suppan and that hot chick that’s unrealistically married to the ugly New Yorker in that stupid show told me so.

    LocklandSF October 26, 2006, 9:29 am
  • Hmmmmm…as for what’s appropriate to laugh at/make jokes about…my mom died from cancer some years ago. Does this make me a ghoul when I laugh at a cancer joke? I’d like to believe familiarity actually allows me to laugh on the topic, but I guess it depends entirely on the person and their sensitivity on the issue.
    If this stem cell stuff is all it’s cracked up to be (I know almost nothing about it)…well, I’d say the moral argument vanishes the instant someone can walk again or it cures cancer or something. I suppose we’ll see…or find out it’s a crock.

    Devine October 26, 2006, 10:25 am
  • One actual story of clinical success that I can relate comes from Cornell Medical Center (represent!) where they surgically implanted fetal stem cells in the brains of a Parkinson patient and did, in fact, observe an improvement of his symptoms. I’m a little shaky on the particulars, but that study seemed to have some promise.

    yankeemonkey October 26, 2006, 10:51 am
  • Stick to the sports analysis guys, its what your good at.

    YO October 26, 2006, 12:18 pm
  • > Stick to the sports analysis guys, its what your good at.
    Speaking for myself, no, it isn’t.

    attackgerbil October 26, 2006, 12:33 pm
  • yeah, my sports analysis..not so good. I’m just here because of my looks.

    Nick-YF October 26, 2006, 12:38 pm
  • “Stick to the sports analysis guys, its what your good at.”
    I wish players (specifically pitchers *cough, cough*) would stay out of the political arena and stick to what they’re good at – baseball. It’s sickening when they use a little postseason fame to try and influence an election.
    The soapbox is free. Next…

    Andrews October 26, 2006, 12:56 pm
  • The stem cells that would be used for possible cures would be thrown out anyways. Suppan has no grounding, and it’s terrible, like Schilling, to use your “baseball status” to Schill for political causes.
    But I simply don’t understand the destruction of life argument. The vast majority of the country that supports embryonic stem cell research wants to stop the proverbial janitor on his way to the trash can, with consent of the parents, so they can see if some of that tissue could help cure afflicitons that affect millions.
    Christopher Reeves was shown a rat that had a spinal cord injury, and then was treated with rat stem cells. The rat then began to regain use of its legs, almost back to normal.
    He said: “Oh, to be a rat.”
    Suppan opened the door. And showed just as good judgement when he skipped from home base to third and back again in the 04 World Series . . .

    rk October 26, 2006, 2:49 pm
  • I’m sick of all public figures/celebs speaking out for their politics. Athletes tend to lean Right and Actors tend to lean Left, and I think they are all total morons that have no place in the political arena.

    LocklandSF October 26, 2006, 4:13 pm
  • …amen locklandsf…they should leave the politics to the politicians, and stick to what they know…

    dc October 26, 2006, 4:30 pm
  • If scientists really believed that stem cells were worthwhile, wouldn’t they be able to convince private donors instead of having to have the government step in and fund research?
    I honestly have no opinion on the subject. Just seems that if it was such a miracle cure, there’d be enough people funding it, hence no Missouri amendment, hence no Jeff Suppan-ery.
    Though Xeroxing Babies would be the coolest punk band name I’ve ever heard.

    yankeesnj October 26, 2006, 7:37 pm
  • yankeesnj – On this faq page about Amendment Two, it is claimed that the legislation does not require any state or taxpayer funding.

    attackgerbil October 26, 2006, 8:04 pm
  • Gerbil-
    Thanks for the link and the info. If that’s the case, there’s really no ground to stand on for the Suppanites.
    Anyways, now that we’ve split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth, let’s all get drunk and play ping pong!

    yankeesnj October 26, 2006, 9:28 pm
  • Damn. I suck at ping pong. But I’ll try.

    attackgerbil October 26, 2006, 11:35 pm
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