The Better Looking Team: Yanks vs. Sox

You win, Sox fans, your team is better. I will now shave my head, grow a soul patch, put on a Sox hat, walk the length of Manhattan, cross over into the Bronx and order a beer at Piper’s Kilt, where I will risk my personal safety. What? That wasn’t the bet? What? There wasn’t a bet? Well, what am I going to do with this soul patch? Hmm. As established by reality and the first sentence of this post, the Sox are better than the Yanks. This is now a fact. But more importantly, which team is better looking? Yeah, I said it. I’m secure in my sexuality. Plus, I’m following the tradition of Bill James who had his wife, in one of the abstracts, nominate the best looking player in baseball. I recall this from an entry about Ken Singleton, who actually sent a thank you note to Bill James’ wife after being called the best looking player one year. I’m going to continue this tradition, play the part of Bill James’ wife because, once again, I’m secure like that. I’m able to measure a fellow’s looks honestly. To prove it, check out what I think about Leonardo DiCaprio versus Steve Buscemi.

"DiCaprio is very good looking. Steve Buscemi is not."

I said this once to my fiancee (see, I’m secure), who, sort of, was listening.

So which team is better looking? Not to ruin the surprise, but, Yanks fans, we rule! Here’s the position-by-position breakdown.

First Base: Jason Giambi vs. Kevin Youkilis
Gross. There are a special few players who remind us all that playing sports can be a sweaty, smelly affair. Patrick Ewing famously sweated a lot within the first .5 seconds of action. A personal mopper followed him throughout the game. Every NFL offensive lineman also reminds us that moving a lot activates the sweat glands. Baseball, of course, is one of the only sports in which breaking a sweat is rare. But don’t tell that to our two contenders. Apparently the mere thought of playing the game gets these guys wet. Check them both out before the National Anthem. By "can you see" they’re crying from all their pores, such is their sentimental passion for our country and its beloved sport. Both are aesthetically gross, but because I abhor facial hair that seems as if it belongs in the groin area, Youkilis loses. Actually, Giambi is not a bad looking guy. He’s just kind of gross.

Verdict: Giambi

Second Base: Robinson Cano vs. Dustin Pedroia
Cano has a million dollar smile. Pedroia has an upturned nose that suggests brattiness. His experiment with Wolverinesque facial hair is a fashion no-no. Meanwhile, Cano continues to flash those white teeth. There’s nice bone structure there. Pedroia gets points for being short because that’s cute, but Cano smiles that smile. No contest.

Verdict: Cano

Shortstop: Derek Jeter vs. Julio Lugo (I don’t know what Jed Lowrie looks like)
There is something I am ashamed to admit. I don’t think Derek Jeter is that good looking. There, I said it and it feels better. The problem is that he has an awful hair cut. Hair is very important. That’s why Johnny Damon is a heartthrob and blows away the competition. So Jeter is, in fact, overrated.* He isn’t as good looking as people, including his stunning female friends of the past, think he is. That said, he’s facing Julio Lugo, who, despite great bone structure, looks like Klaus Kinski when he played Nosferatu.

Verdict: Jeter
*Hope that ends that debate.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez vs. Mike Lowell

It doesn’t get better looking than this. On the one hand, you have A-Rod, he of the perfect eyes, the beautiful skin. And then on the other hand, you have the George Clooneyesque Mike Lowell. His salt and pepper beard is the envy of all. His suaveness is apparent in every gesture of the face. But A-Rod is a looker, too. Therefore, it’s even.
Verdict: Push

RF:Bobby Abreu v. JD Drew
Jose Canseco and Sammy Sosa’s test-tube baby takes on the non-descript stoic JD. For whatever reason, Drew reminds me of the yokel Cletus on the Simpsons–probably the patchy facial hair he sometimes sports. Abreu has a dreaminess about him that translates into vapidity, not youthful transcendence.
Verdict: Even

CF: Melky vs. Ellsbury
I think Melky has dimples, which is cute at first, and then you think, after some time, "This guy is really overmatched here." And indeed, he is overmatched in this match-up. Ellsbury is good looking, although in certain lights he looks like the not-so-handsome Ricky Ledee. But Jacoby is blessed with nice hair. Melky is blessed with those dimples. Hair beats dimples.
Verdict: Ellsbury

Leftfield: Xavier Nady vs. Jason Bay

Nady has chiseled Mediterranean features. Jason Bay is Canadianesque in appearance (translation: neutral). You can argue who has been the better on-field pick up, but in the looks department it’s not that close.

Verdict: Nady

DH: Johnny Damon vs. David Ortiz
David Ortiz does not come up clutch here. And I have to say I respect Ortiz’s looks. He’s got a regal quality about his face, as if he could rule many people. That’s a commanding handsomeness that I respect. But Johnny Damon has the hair. Once, in 2004, I was watching a Yanks-Sox game with my lady. Johnny, who was on the Sox at the time and sported the long flowing hair, came to bat. Mandy shrieked. When she relaxed enough to articulate her thoughts, she wondered "Why is that guy from "Legends of the Fall" playing baseball?" Johnny Damon is the Michael Jordan of this competition, and Michael Jordan is the Brad Pitt of Basketball.

Verdict: Damon

Catcher: Posada vs. Varitek

This is a fairly easy one to call. Varitek is just plain better looking than Posada. He’s got a well-defined face, without it being overly muscle-filled (Brian Giles, Kyle Farnsworth), while Posada lacks a good chin.

Verdict: Varitek


Final Verdict for Position Players: Yanks dominate

In the future, I’ll do the pitching staffs. The Sox might catch up there.

59 replies on “The Better Looking Team: Yanks vs. Sox”

This post is hilarious (and I don’t just say that as a Klaus Kinski fan).
Only two points of secure-in-my-masculinity disagreement:
1) Abreu reminds me of a warthog, so I have to go with JD there.
2) All I know is: Ladies Love Cool Papi. I recognize that Damon has the whole Cro Magnon thing going on, but most women of my acquaintance profess to find Ortiz adorable.

adorable isn’t sexy or hot SW so I’ll secure my masculinity right there.
However, I do agree with you about Abreu. Something is kinda “stank” about his look.

damons cro-magnon brow cannot be overlooked here. i used to laugh when patty or francine from somerville would get all juicy over johnny. the man looks like he’s still perplexed by the wheel.

if this turns into a damon versus ortiz looks debate on par with the ortiz/A-Rod MVP debate, I will have done my job.

People en Espanol’s “50 Most Beautiful” 2005 winner Mike Lowell WILL NOT be taken down by man-woman loving Arod.
I want a recount.
Mike Lowell is the only man on the planet that can make that mustache look good, that’s saying something.

Not sure if women are allowed to cast a vote but Mike Lowell is WAAAAAY hotter than A-rod, and not just because I’m a Sox fan. I’ll give you all the rest of them except Abreu who gives me the creeps. It’s JD Drew there. It pains me to admit that you’re probably dead on for the rest of them.

My problem with Mike Lowell is that his teeth are a tiny bit large, as if he might be hiding dentures. A-Rod is hurt by his personality and his poor sense of style (the blonde highlights. I’m also sure he wears tapered pants every where he goes.)
Abreu is not good looking, but Drew, for someone who doesn’t have any glaring assymetries of the face, is somehow ugly too.

The managers, that’s going to be tough.
“Uncle Any Town USA”
“Scariest Man In Baseball Not Named Kyle”

The next logical (???) place to take this debate is to determine that YFs are better looking than SFs, or vice versa. Wanna post pics??? :)

I agree with SoxGirl. A-Rod ain’t that good looking. Sorry, Nick. And Drew is much better looking than Abreu. Frankly, Nick, this makes me question your taste in men.
Also, short-haired Damon looks weirdly like Hideki Matsui. So I have to give Ortiz the edge there, also.
Still a Yankee win, though — a title I’ll gladly cede each and every year!

Uh…looks like someone else disagrees with you about the merits of JD Drew, Nick. See here. Uh…thanks, Deadspin?

I have a ridiculous crush on Terry Francona that has everything to do with his post game press conferences, which I find hilarious. But I would have to admit that Girardi is a little better looking. But if I got a free dinner with anyone on either team, I’d pick Tito. I’ve been married 18 years – looks don’t really get me through a long evening any more. :)

Once again, Drew gets no respect. It’s not that he’s a dreamboat (like Jacoby!!), but his competition is f*cking UGLY. Abreu can stop traffic, and not in a good way. His head is squashed, he almost looks like a claymation version of himself.

“Mrs. SF chimed in on the “Jeter isn’t that good looking” front like four years ago, generating some degree of controversy:”
Mandy agrees. Here’s something interesting. She thinks that Nomar was the best looking of the Big 3 shortstops a few years ago.

I might have to re-think the whole Drew-Abreu issue because the more I visualize Abreu the more I think of the original Hulk television series, and one of the stages of metamorphosis into our green conflicted hero.

Fantastic post! I disagree about ARod/Lowell and Abreu/Drew, but aside from that hilarious.
I think we have the pitching staff locked up, especially now that Tavarez is off the team.

nah, the Yanks’ pitching staff actually beats the Sox, pretty clearly. But I’ll do that post later. At this point, I’m much more interested in this than in the rest of the season. I might even add stats.

Oh, and I hate Jeter for being a Yankee but he is a very good looking man. He has the same eyes as Christina Aguilera.

I might even add stats.
HAHAH I can imagine it broken down based on body parts. So who has the best ass, Nick?
I think the Sox pitching staff beats the Yankees handily… with the exception of Wakefield and Buchholz I think they’re all solid. Hell, even Lopez is handsome. And for the record, my girlfriend’s two favorite Sox players (based on looks) are Beckett and Papelbon.

Your girlfriend has a different aesthetic than I have.
But Lopez is the best looking Sox pitcher. That is true.

I think Jeter looks better with a batting helmet on. Might be the hair as Nick mentioned, but his head just has a weird shape to me.
PS Papelbon is NOT good-looking.

On the subject of baseball, Frank Thomas just tied it up for the A’s against TB in the bottom of the 9th. The Big Hurt indeed!

Yeah I’m neutral towards Papelbon, but I do this Beckett is the “sexiest”, when you combine his overall attitude. The dude is an ass-kicking bad-boy. What girl doesn’t love that?

RBF- Brad Ziegler gave up his first ER in the majors the inning before, ending his scoreless inning streak at 38. Pretty amazing.

“I think the Sox pitching staff beats the Yankees handily… with the exception of Wakefield and Buchholz…”
I’m just a lurker here, but I’ve got to chime in on this one. Yes, Buchholz is one goofy-looking bastard. But damnit, Wakefield is a darn good-looking guy (especially when he smiles that winning smile of his). I don’t know why he’s not getting his props here. Maybe it just comes with the territory of being the Sox “elder statesman” or the fact that his fastball tops out in the low 70’s–neither of which project hunkiness.

Hey, the Yanks didn’t lose today! Hahah..
Atheose – apparently, one man’s “bad-boy” is another man’s “skinhead”.. =P Though actually, after Joba’s mis-throws, when Youkilis had his hat off and looking like he wanted to kill Joba, that was very skinhead-ish…
No love for Moose anyone? =)

I mostly agree with your picks, Nick (hooray for heterosexual males discussing the merits of other guys).
I actually think Giambi is incredibly ugly (at least, his ESPN picture looks like a sex offender), but given that his competition is He Whose Beard Frightens Children, he gets the nod, thong and all. Cano definitely beats Pedroia, even though Dustin would crown himself best looking man in the entire competition. And Jeter, though I don’t think he’s that good looking either (chipmunk cheeks, for one) definitely beats out the rat-faced Lugo.
Now for some differences. Lowell wins over A-Rod hands down – go track down the video of the Sox guys salsa-dancing from the offseason. The man – and his beard – exude classiness and suave. With A-Rod, it just feels like he’s trying too hard.
I’d also give JD the nod over Abreu. I don’t think JD’s a great looker (although, apparently, he has not escaped the dreaded slash fiction), but Abreu is another guy who falls under the ‘downright ugly’ category in my mind.
Ellsbury over Melky and Nady over Bay are both pretty easy choices. Nady, frankly, rates pretty highly against anyone on either team, and Ellsbury’s still got the ‘Navajo heartthrob’ thing going.
And as much as Ortiz gets points for the ‘gregarious and charming Dominican’ thing and his smile (which is probably the most charismatic of anyone’s), the traitorous Damon and his Jesus Hair do probably beat him out.
Managers really isn’t close – Girardi’s Mafia look beats out Uncle Terry.
I’d give Boston’s starting pitching the nod over New York’s overall, but I don’t feel like getting into the individual breakdowns right now.
And finally, I’d take Mo over Papelbon in the bullpen. Mo is classy. Papelbon is insane.
Now, the real question – wives and girlfriends?

FYI, there’s also a Piper’s Kilt in Manhattan. On Broadway just past 207th St. Going there could potentially shorten your frivolous, non-mandated walk of shame. Also they have great cheeseburgers.

Matt, I’m very familiar with that Piper’s Kilt. I once enjoyed a celebratory team meal after my little league squad “Chemical Bank” won the Inwood Little League Championship back in 1989. But the other Piper’s Kilt is the more Bronx Bomber experience.

Apparently the Yankees are talking about moving Joba back to the bullpen to cut down on stress to his arm.

Micah: I wouldn’t say Papelbon is that attractive, but Mo looks like a fruit bat. Paps wins by being the lesser of two evils.
Nick: I do have to wonder whether or not your bias against facial and the team’s bias against facial hair are working hand in hand here. In other words, if the restriction didn’t exist, would Cano be trying out the teen werewolf look? Would that lower his appearance in your eyes?

Sorry for the double post; something didn’t come through properly…
Micah: I wouldn’t say Papelbon is that attractive, but Mo looks like a fruit bat. Paps wins by being the lesser of two evils.
Nick: I do have to wonder whether or not your bias against facial and the team’s bias against facial hair are working hand in hand here. In other words, if the restriction didn’t exist, would Cano be trying out the teen werewolf look? Would that lower his appearance in your eyes?

the site is going a little haywire right now, but interesting points, Eric. A good critique of this very new type of analysis. Perhaps, there should be something like park factor to account for external influences outside the control of the individual player. In the case you bring up it would be called Team Factor. The Yanks aesthetic appeals more to my sensibilities. The Dirt Dog look has the opposite effect. That said, Cano is better looking than Pedroia any day of the week.

The Yanks aesthetic appeals more to my sensibilities. The Dirt Dog look has the opposite effect.
Myself, I like the scruffy, long-haired look better (probably because that was my look all through college — and every few months when I resist my wife’s calls to get a haircut).

Myself, I like the scruffy, long-haired look better
Nobody, I mean NOBODY, is going to convince me that Johnny Damon looks better with short hair and a clean face.

this has been the best post ever.
I’m a girl–so as another girl said, i’m not sure if my vote counts. But Lowell definitely defeats A-Rod. And Short-haired Damon does look like Matsui–if you were discussing long-haired Damon he would clearly defeat Papi in looks, but we aren’t.
I also feel like Giambi and Youk should have been a draw. While neither is particularly attractive, Giambi is scary looking in that “i used to use steroids” kind of way. and Youk is just silly looking. Neither wins.
Again, best post ever.

I can not imagine that Youk’s facial hair is somehow more laughable than Giambi’s mustache.
Youk may not be gorgeous, but at least his plate appearances don’t make me giggle.

re: stats–i have it on good authority from a gay friend that not only is joe girardi way better looking than francona but may have (or may have had) the best ass in baseball (based on a game i saw with this friend during girardi’s playing days).
“mo looks like a fruit bat”–man, that’s still cracking me up…

Haha…I’m loving this post. As both a lurker and a girl, I’m not sure my vote counts for anything, but in terms of pitching, how come no one has mentioned Moose?? Seriously…hot AND smart.

A few observations from a lady who is visually oriented and who is pretty familiar with both teams…
To my eyes, Giambi is hideous, Youk marginally less so. I call this one even.
Jeter used to be very good looking when he was younger, but has aged badly. You’re right, a better haircut would help. But don’t discount Lugo. Despite his shortcomings as a player, he’s blessed with the great bone structure that you already mentioned, along with terrific lips/smile/eyes. He also cleans up nicely in street clothes.
Lowell. What a classy guy. And handsome.
Abreu/JD = even. JD is so bland looking. While Abreu loses points for looking like a Muppet, he wins ’em right back on the dimples, which rival Melky’s.
Ellsbury. End of story. And he’s going to get even better looking as he matures, which is a scary thought.
Papi vs. Damon. Neither of them are particularly handsome, but Papi has enough charisma for 10 people and is blessed with a flawless complexion. I give him the edge.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.