The Yankee Stadium Experience Builds Character

A lot has been made of a news item that ran in the New York Post a few days ago. To refresh your memory:

Yankee fans are seeing – and turning – red over a ban on sunscreen,
which Stadium security guards say was widely expanded in the last few

Those fans are probably the same people who complain about not being able to bring non-clear plastic bags into the stadium. They probably bitch about having to pay to check their unsafe bags at the bowling alley across the street. And they probably also complain about the full-body cavity search they have to endure before entering the cathedral of baseball (Best 25-minute massage I’ve ever had!).   

True story: I once froze up while attempting to piss in one of the
Yankee Stadium toilets. The anxiety of urinating next to 30 other guys
got to me. It was like I was at bat in front of the 55,000 faithful. I just stood there in front of the toilet. I was
suddenly overcome with the fear that the guy next to me could hear that
I wasn’t do my job, and so I hummed a song (The Chariots of Fire
theme). He left eventually after what was the longest, loudest piss in
the history of mankind. Then I left, still having to go.

Why do I tell you this? Because at the same game, I was charged $10 to
check my bag in at the bowling alley across the street, I then was
hugged and groped intimately by a security guard at the entrance
(again, a beautiful experience, truly), then when I got into the
stadium I was burned by the afternoon sunlight, by the seventh inning I
was blistery all over, I got to listen to Cotton Eye Joe, and then I
had my bathroom problem. In other words, through suffering I grew.

There’s not much time left for you to do the same!   

8 comments… add one
  • I’ll be laughing for awhile now.

    attackgerbil July 24, 2008, 3:58 pm
  • Great post! Funny!
    I’ve always found it odd that the highest of functions that exist in nature- self-consciousness- can interfere with the lowest- excretion of waste.

    Soxlosophy July 24, 2008, 4:08 pm
  • In other stadia news:
    “The Yankees are in town for a weekend series, and this would be a nice time to retire the stupidest chant in the world: Yankees suck.”

    A YF July 24, 2008, 4:15 pm
  • Oh man. If a bathroom has the trough-style urinal, I wait for a stall.

    Paul SF July 24, 2008, 5:24 pm
  • That’s not surprising…

    A YF July 24, 2008, 5:28 pm
  • thanks Nick! You Rock!
    Toughest and oddest urination moment I ever had was at the NYC marathon (as a red cross volunteer). The “worlds largest Urinal” a 250 foot long 16 inch wide PVC pipe cut in half set up on a gentle slope with a garden hose at one end and a collection point at the other. free for all stand and go out in the open. hardest part was when I looked up there was some guy on the other side with his camera out taking a picture of a hundred plus men doing there business… True story!

    jonathan July 24, 2008, 6:07 pm
  • “Because at the same game, I was charged $10 to check my bag in at the bowling alley across the street, I then was hugged and groped intimately by a security guard at the entrance (again, a beautiful experience, truly)….”
    Yes, it must have been a wonderful experience to feel his hot breath reeking of a meatball sandwich on your neck.

    SoxFan July 25, 2008, 7:13 am
  • Great story Nick! Did they really play Cotton Eye Joe at the Stadium? That’s always been a 7th inning stretch tradition at Camden Yards.
    The trouble at the urinal part was hilarious… I’ve had that happen to me once a few years back. I had been working at my job for only a few months when the head of our IT department (my boss’ boss’ boss) walked into the next urinal and started talking to me. Talk about embarrassing.
    The head of our department is a woman now though, so barring an accident that won’t happen again.

    Atheose July 25, 2008, 8:21 am

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