As YF and SF pack their bags for Beantown and the first Yanks-Sox matchup of the season, it seems an apt moment to present these alternate visions of how the two historic rivals might fare over the coming months.
April 25: Darryl Strawberry discovers Kabbala, returns to team as spiritual advisor. “Centered” Yanks take 1 game lead.
May 21: Wunderkind Sox GM Theo Epstein grounded after senior prom drinking incident. Yanks by 3.
June 14: Red Sox take ill during “Gigli”/”Jersey Girl” in-flight double feature on West Coast road trip. Yanks up 4.
July 26: Manny Ramirez bounced from “home” at Boston’s Ritz Carlton to make room for bigwigs at Democratic Convention. Sleepless slugger listless at the plate. Yanks up 10.
August 22: Pedro Martinez suspended after throwing resident of Shady Pines Retirement Community to ground during publicity appearance. Yanks by 12.
September 5: Desperate for cash, Sox sell ad space on Green Monster to YES Network. YES installs banner with giant Bucky Dent likeness. Demoralized Sox drop 6 in a row. Yanks lead up to 14.
October 17: Rejuvenated Don Zimmer returns to Yankees as second baseman; homers in Game 7 of ALCS to oust Sox from playoffs. Yanks go on to win 27th title.
November 1: Yankees release Zimmer, sign Nomar to play second.
April 23: Derek and A-Rod injured in freak accident when Escalades collide in Yankee parking lot. Both placed on 15-day disabled list. Sox go up by 2 games.
May 7: “You’re fired!” After three-game slide, George Steinbrenner replaces Joe Torre with Sam from “The Apprentice.” Sox up 5.
June 12: Yankee rotation decimated by food poisoning after Hideki Matsui prepares “Pinstripe Sushi” clubhouse dinner. Sox by 6.
July 17: Summer heat wave thaws Ted Williams; surprise return to Boston lineup sparks 8-game win streak. Sox by 9.
August 8: Yanks drop another 3 straight. Omarosa replaces Sam. Sox up 10.
August 27: “Queer Eye” makeover of Sox clubhouse sends Beantowners on stylish winning streak. Lead extended to 12.
September 6: MIT Media Lab brings electronic Babe Ruth to life; Sox sign robotic Bambino to long-term, no-trade contract. Sox by 16.
October 19: The Curse is Reversed! Red Sox win first World Series since 1918!
November 1: Steinbrenner acquires Red Sox.