The Season Ahead: Two Views

As YF and SF pack their bags for Beantown and the first Yanks-Sox matchup of the season, it seems an apt moment to present these alternate visions of how the two historic rivals might fare over the coming months.

YF’s Vision

April 25: Darryl Strawberry discovers Kabbala, returns to team as spiritual advisor. “Centered” Yanks take 1 game lead.

May 21: Wunderkind Sox GM Theo Epstein grounded after senior prom drinking incident. Yanks by 3.

June 14: Red Sox take ill during “Gigli”/”Jersey Girl” in-flight double feature on West Coast road trip. Yanks up 4.

July 26: Manny Ramirez bounced from “home” at Boston’s Ritz Carlton to make room for bigwigs at Democratic Convention. Sleepless slugger listless at the plate. Yanks up 10.

August 22: Pedro Martinez suspended after throwing resident of Shady Pines Retirement Community to ground during publicity appearance. Yanks by 12.

September 5: Desperate for cash, Sox sell ad space on Green Monster to YES Network. YES installs banner with giant Bucky Dent likeness. Demoralized Sox drop 6 in a row. Yanks lead up to 14.

October 17: Rejuvenated Don Zimmer returns to Yankees as second baseman; homers in Game 7 of ALCS to oust Sox from playoffs. Yanks go on to win 27th title.

November 1: Yankees release Zimmer, sign Nomar to play second.

SF’s Vision

April 23: Derek and A-Rod injured in freak accident when Escalades collide in Yankee parking lot. Both placed on 15-day disabled list. Sox go up by 2 games.

May 7: “You’re fired!” After three-game slide, George Steinbrenner replaces Joe Torre with Sam from “The Apprentice.” Sox up 5.

June 12: Yankee rotation decimated by food poisoning after Hideki Matsui prepares “Pinstripe Sushi” clubhouse dinner. Sox by 6.

July 17: Summer heat wave thaws Ted Williams; surprise return to Boston lineup sparks 8-game win streak. Sox by 9.

August 8: Yanks drop another 3 straight. Omarosa replaces Sam. Sox up 10.

August 27: “Queer Eye” makeover of Sox clubhouse sends Beantowners on stylish winning streak. Lead extended to 12.

September 6: MIT Media Lab brings electronic Babe Ruth to life; Sox sign robotic Bambino to long-term, no-trade contract. Sox by 16.

October 19: The Curse is Reversed! Red Sox win first World Series since 1918!

November 1: Steinbrenner acquires Red Sox.

3 comments… add one
  • good stuff …. haha
    Let’s Go Mets !

    jzak April 16, 2004, 10:07 pm
  • Even with robots, zombies, and reality-NBC pseudo-celebs, the Sox have no chance…all those things could happen, hell could freeze over, and sox dreams will be frozen stuck down there. Why? Karma, karma, karma; homophobic, sour-grape-sucking worst fans in baseball. If they spent a quarter as much energy cheering their own team as they do booing the Yanks, things might change, but massholes never will.
    GO YANKEES!
    (Yanks fan in New England since 1986)

    chris April 19, 2004, 6:42 pm
  • Chris: I only hope you’re right, though I’m not sure Sox fans are any more homophobic than the fans in the Bronx. But you do raise one point of particular pertinence in regard to the cheering at Fenway. In the two games I had the pleasure of attending this weekend in Boston, I heard “Yankees Suck” (not to mention personalized taunts for Derek, A-Rod, and Giambi) with regularity, but not once–NOT ONCE–did the crowd see fit to get behind their boys with a “Let’s go Red Sox.”
    Boo.

    YF April 19, 2004, 11:09 pm

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