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General Baseball

You Might as Well Ask

Houston Astros free agent center fielder Carlos Beltran is seeking a 10-year contract, his agent told a television station on Thursday.

Other requests by Boras for Beltran’s next contract:

  • every time Beltran comes to plate, song "Tush" by ZZ Top to be played.  Live.
  • each post-game spread to include privately catered meal for Beltran by Mario Batali.
  • 2 billion dollars per year, with a trade clause that requires new team to pay Beltran 3 billion if he’s moved.
  • sole producing credit on Carlos Beltran biopic, to star Freddie Prinze Jr. as the All-Star.
  • incentive clause stipulating that Beltran receive $25K every time he arrives at the park within 4 hours of game time, and another $25K if he doesn’t sleep over in the locker room every night.  Another $1.5M if Beltran hits better than .000.
  • the immediate freezing over of hell.

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