A-Rod to Save World (Baseball Classic, that is)

A new press release, just intercepted:

"After a long bout of soul-searching, and consultations with ethnicity experts and diplomatic attaches from deep within both the US Department of State and the Dominican Republic’s Cultural Identity Consulate, I have decided to honor both nations by playing in the World Baseball Classic.  Though I have chosen to play for the United States, the country of my birth, in order to honor the country of my ethnic heritage I have designated that three pieces of clothing, to be worn by me at all times throughout the tournament, shall be emblazoned with a small, 2" x 2" picture of the Dominican flag.  Throughout the tournament, my elbow guard (the inside), my jockstrap (the outside), and my hat brim (the underside, replacing my retractable makeup mirror) will all have a small but lovingly reproduced image of this textilious masterwork.  To those who would question my devotion to both the United States and the DR, please forgive me my previous equivocation – it’s not easy being the best, most successful, richest third basemen with identity issues in all the land.  See you at the WBC, and cheer me on, wherever you are from.

Yours, Alex."

31 comments… add one
  • Jeez, what a flake. How much you wanna bet his exasperated therapist basically forced him to choose a team. “For Pete’s sake, just pick a lane and drive, Alex…” Half the fans booing him is better than all the fans thinking he’s a big fat ass-and-a-half, I guess. Or maybe this is just the latest installment of him trying to Be Like Jeets.

    Spidey January 4, 2006, 2:55 pm
  • Cowboy up fellas!

    walein January 4, 2006, 3:04 pm
  • The WBC will be interesting but it aint no World Cup. Go T&T!!

    JCL (YF) January 4, 2006, 3:34 pm

    brad-sf January 4, 2006, 3:48 pm
  • I’ve finally figured out Sox fans:

    Your GM is gone: make up stories about the Yankee GM.
    Your players are all leaving: make up stories that no one wants to play for the Yanks.
    Your pitching staff is all questions: question the Yankee pitching.
    Your great left fielder is flaking out: make up stories about the Yankee MVP….

    I guess winning the series didn’t make any difference.

    john yf January 5, 2006, 1:58 am
  • John, you have the sense of humor of a boll weevil.

    SF January 5, 2006, 7:07 am
  • John–the reason that the Beckett deal is worthwhile is because he has so much potential. I, for one, do not assume that he will be terrific, but the potential is there, and it made it worth taking Lowell’s contract and giving up Ramirez. Any player that we aquired is a risk. In baseball, there is no such thing as a virtual certainty. Obviously, some risks are bigger than others, but because Beckett has so much potential to be great, it’s worth the risk. That’s my opinion on it, at least.

    Laura January 5, 2006, 9:54 am
  • I heard boll weevils are actually kind of a hoot. Especially evil boll weevils.

    Spidey January 5, 2006, 10:45 am
  • Spidey’s right. I know plenty of droll evil boll weevils.

    Earl January 5, 2006, 11:00 am
  • hilarious. boll weevils included.

    beth January 5, 2006, 1:23 pm
  • I might be misinformed on this one, but the most recent article I read (NY Post-Heorge King) about this is that A-Rod is just listening to major league baseball PA officials who seeked him out and are trying to convince him to play. What an attention seeker!
    I can’t wait until baseball season and Schilling is once again on EEI twice a week. I feel rudderless without his sermons. Windbag.

    Nick January 5, 2006, 1:53 pm
  • Nick, Nick, Nick. You and John go to the same comedy clubs?

    SF January 5, 2006, 2:02 pm
  • Bah humbug!

    Nick January 5, 2006, 2:03 pm
  • also, to quote Stephen Patrick Morrisey:
    “I wish I could laugh
    But that joke isn’t funny anymore”

    Nick January 5, 2006, 2:09 pm
  • Or, better yet, and directed to our target:
    If you’re wondering why
    All the love that you long for eludes you
    And people are rude and cruel to you
    I’ll tell you why
    I’ll tell you why
    I’ll tell you why
    I’ll tell you why
    You just haven’t earned it yet, baby
    You just haven’t earned it, son
    You just haven’t earned it yet, baby
    You must suffer and cry for a longer time

    SF January 5, 2006, 2:19 pm
  • I think A-Rod was a Smiths fan. Doesn’t he deserve our sympathy? Morrisey, afterall, is the great humanist.
    I bet you Schilling likes Seven Mary Three or Creed or Nickelback or some other atrocity.

    Nick January 5, 2006, 2:24 pm
  • Without a doubt. Or Bernie Williams’ music.

    SF January 5, 2006, 2:28 pm
  • ouch. it all comes back to Bernie’s music. Now that’s something I can laugh about.
    of course, there’s the little issue of The Bronson Arroyo Explosion

    Nick January 5, 2006, 2:34 pm
  • Hopefully that will be Seattle’s problem soon. Nirvana!

    SF January 5, 2006, 2:43 pm
  • As a super yankee fan, I hate him. I root because I have to, but I really just wish he’d go so I could really, really hate him.

    Anon January 5, 2006, 2:44 pm
  • God I love boll weevils.

    Boston Fan in Michigan January 5, 2006, 2:56 pm
  • I think the Bronson Arroyo Explosion is where it’s at (per Nick’s post).
    Of course, that’s unitl the Double album comes out:
    The Bernie Williams Experience.
    Sure, it’s 1.5 mil for another year…but a DOUBLE ALBUM people!

    walein January 5, 2006, 3:39 pm
  • Long but pretty funny from ESPN:
    To get the inside scoop on how music influences sports, Page 3 asked a few well-known major leaguers (former and current) some rhythmic questions about themselves and their teammates:
    What’s in your CD player?
    There’s some Jimi Hendrix, some Led Zeppelin, and I think I have some Eminem in there too. — Rocco Baldelli
    You know what, I’d have to dig through about two feet of garbage to find one, but Third Day is one. — Red Sox RHP Curt Schilling
    Sevendust — acoustic live. The band likes baseball, particularly the drummer, Morgan Rose; he really likes baseball. So he comes around a lot. I’ve seen like two or three of their shows this year. — Bronson Arroyo
    Yolanda Adams, my wife DeLeon. — Yankees outfielder Gary Sheffield
    Depeche Mode, “Last of the Mohicans” sound track, Judas Priest, The Fight, Godsmack, DMX and Rob Zombie’s Greatest Hits. — Rob Dibble
    Right now, Kenny Chesney’s “Where I Come From” is playing. — John Kruk
    First record you bought?
    I think it was a Bell Biv Devoe cassette that my mom took me to Strawberries and got me when I was in third grade. — Rocco Baldelli
    Michael Jackson “Off the Wall.” I used to play it over and over. — Carl Crawford
    First concert?
    Metallica and Guns N’ Roses when they had that big riot in Montreal. I left early, which was a good thing. The singer from Metallica got pyrotechnics in his face, and got burned. So, Guns N’ Roses had to take over. They sang two songs and said hmmm … [he gestures the bird/expletive] Montreal. It’s something you remember. — Dodgers closer and 2003 NL Cy Young winner Eric Gagne
    Run DMC. It was great, awesome, the best time I ever had. There was so much energy, and there was no cursing. Even back then there was no cursing; it was clean. — Gary Sheffield
    Does “Barney on Ice” count? — Rocco Baldelli
    Dave Matthews in Nashville, Tenn. — Bronson Arroyo
    Usher. It was great. He breaks it down! — Red Sox 1B/DH David Ortiz
    Best concert?
    Best concert was M.C. Hammer. He asked my daughter to come on stage and dance with his group, back in the day. That was the most liveliest thing I ever saw. My daughter was three-years-old at the time. — Gary Sheffield
    Metallica at Ohio State a couple of years ago. I just think they sound good live. They sound like their album a lot, and their their lead guitarist Kirk Hammett plays unbelievable. — Bronson Arroyo
    I’ve only been to two (Master P and Ludicris). I never go to concerts, I don’t like loud performances. I’d have to say the Master P concert was the better one. — Carl Crawford
    Have you ever been to a musical?
    No. — Bronson Arroyo
    Except for field trips like the Nutcracker or The Christmas Carol, I’ve never gone to a musical on my own. — Rocco Baldelli
    Do you play a musical instrument?
    Never played one. I always wanted to play the drums growing up, but I never got a chance to do that. I’d like to jam with Ludicris though. I’d play with them just to have fun and hang out with those guys. I just like the style, it’s fun, they don’t care. They have a fun style of rap. — Carl Crawford
    I have been playing guitar for four years. I’m not looking to be in a band. I just like playing. But I don’t mind sitting in with a band every once in a while. I just really enjoy playing by myself mostly. I practice from 20 minutes to maybe two hours a day, almost every day. — Bronson Arroyo
    No. — Gary Sheffield
    I don’t, but my dad owns a pawn shop and I grabbed a guitar out of there one time. I fooled around with it for about two weeks and I said that I have no chance of ever playing this guitar, so I just gave it right back to him. — Rocco Baldelli
    I play the drums. I once got to sit in on a sound check with The Scorpions. — Rob Dibble
    Ever sing karaoke?
    Hell no. Oh wait, I think I did once, at my cousin’s house at Christmas. It was a Spanish song. We were laughing so bad. — David Ortiz
    Yeah, I enjoy it every now and again. — Bronson Arroyo
    I don’t sing in public, not that I haven’t been asked to, but I try not to. — John Kruk
    No. Never. Even though we play in front of a lot of people and you get used to doing that, I don’t really get used to speaking in front of a lot of people and definitely not singing or dancing in front of anyone. — Rocco Baldelli
    Never, but maybe if I got dared to do it or something, just to have fun with it. — Carl Crawford
    Best singer on the team?
    Ruben Sierra. He has the voice. He’s the guy that can sing anyone’s tunes. He remembers a lot of music. Derek Jeter is always telling him to sing him a song before the game to get him fired up.” — Gary Sheffield
    David McCarty and I’ve heard him sing. — Bronson Arroyo
    Kevin Millar (laughs), no just kidding. It would be Chang-Ho Lee our trainer. He’s good. — David Ortiz
    Oomph, I don’t know. I think Aubrey Huff sings the most. I don’t know if that necessarily means he’s the best, but he’s the guy that kind of likes hearing himself sing. — Rocco Baldelli
    Worst singer on the team?
    Aubrey Huff’s really the only person that sings, to tell you the truth. It’s pretty much only him and the rookies. I think Huff’s the worst, but he sings the most. — Rocco Baldelli
    That would be Kevin Millar. — David Ortiz
    Tony Clark thinks he can sing, but he can’t. — Gary Sheffield
    I haven’t heard that many of my teammates sing, so I really don’t know, I’ve only heard a few people try and sing. I don’t think there’s that many guys that can carry a tune on this team. — Bronson Arroyo
    Who chooses the locker room music?
    I think it rotates between who gets to the radio first after the games. Sometimes the hip hop station goes on and sometimes Huffy [Aubrey Huff] will throw the country music station on and sometimes [Geoff] Blum gets to it and he puts on some of the more alternative, I don’t know what to call it, you know, head-banging music. — Rocco Baldelli
    Most embarrassing song you’ll admit to singing along with?
    “Amarillo by Morning” by George Strait. — Devil Rays 3B Aubrey Huff
    “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia. — Bronson Arroyo
    The other day I was outside with my two-year-old son and I started singing “Elmo’s World.” I think I’m a little old for that. — John Kruk
    One of the songs off the Grease soundtrack. I LOVE that soundtrack, but you know, brothers see me singing to it and they’re like ‘what is that guy doing?’ “Summer Lovin’ [Summer Nights]”, I like that one a lot. I think that’s the one that my friends caught me singing! — Carl Crawford
    The American Idol kid, William Hung. I like to sing along to his version of “She Bangs.” — Gary Sheffield

    Spidey January 5, 2006, 4:57 pm
  • Sheffield digs on Will Hung? Spidey, were you freelancing there?

    SF January 5, 2006, 5:07 pm
  • SF – What you wrote was ridicule, not humor. Ridicule is only funny when it’s about your enemy.
    I think Varitek’s a loudmouthed schoolyard bully, and Schilling a loudmouth with bad politics, but they’re not my enemies. Frankly, I just don’t get this RSN obsession / hatred with A-Rod.

    john yf January 8, 2006, 8:47 am
  • I’ll be pegged as humorless but check out this article. Maybe SF and others were premature in their ridicule:

    Nick January 8, 2006, 11:09 am
  • John, you’re the only person I know who has read this who didn’t understand that it was humor. It was linked to at Deadspin, certainly one of the finest arbiters of web sports humor there is.
    Cheer up, for God’s sake. Life isn’t that serious.

    SF January 8, 2006, 12:16 pm
  • I can honestly say I really dislike Schilling and consider him my enemy…so anything I say about him should be thought of as humrous but also mean spirited. I also dislike varitek…but not as much as Schilling…the difference is:
    I’ll be able to deal with him when george signs him to a 2 year 13 million dollar contract in 7 years….but I won’t be able to deal with Schilling when George signs him to an incentive package in 8 years during his minor league comeback trip.

    walein January 8, 2006, 3:51 pm
  • Nice try, SF, but Yankee fans have commented here before about the banality of the Yankee hatin’. It’s the hatah faction of the RSN who would benefit from lightening up — in their blood pressure and general mental health.
    To quote your Great Leader, again,

    That’s because Sox fans always seemed to be concerned with what the Yankees are doing, and it tends to be more of a one-way obsession. I think it’s true that we care more about the Yankees than they care about the Sox. — Terry Francona

    BTW, I took a look at Deadspin. Moronic. Here’s a description of the editor by himself:

    Will Leitch is your crack editor here, and by “crack editor,” we mean that his pants go dangerously low when he bends over. Enjoy!

    Har har har. About as funny as the A-Rod stuff.
    Here’s the first review from amazon of his book Life As A Loser. It seems pretty typical of the reviews:

    A singular and often stifilingly boring literary version of reality television, Leitch’s book is the next phase in America’s obsession with watching stupid people embarrass themselves. “Life as a Loser” is nothing more than an egotistical rant in a vain and somewhat pitiful attempt to gain popularity and sympathy through a lifetime of dissapointment. What separates this book from its electronically broadcasted brethren is one key component: good editing. Leitch’s drawn out diatribes and abhorrent use of language leave the audience suffering from more than his self-effacing semi-biography. I have only one question: if it is obvious that Leitch has had such a horrible time living his own life, why would I want to waste my time reading about it?

    john yf January 9, 2006, 11:58 am
  • I don’t know. That Deadspin post today about the NFL’s split with erection-inducing pills was pretty hilarious. I think it’s one of the funnier sports reads on the web in general. Also, the site deserves some kind of award for its campaign of Clinton Portis recognition.

    Nick January 9, 2006, 12:33 pm
  • Soxaholix gets my vote for funniest sports blog, and they cite Deadspin today too. I could care less about football though.

    john yf January 9, 2006, 1:05 pm

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