July 24th: Johnny Damon fired by Gillette for re-neging on Mach IV spokesman responsibilities. Gillette asserts “one use per season” isn’t what they signed up for.
July 26th: Sox accidentally trade for Randy “Little Unit” Johnson, a 5′-1″ journeyman pitcher in the Astros’ system. Johnson reports to Boston, only to be turned away by security who call him an “annoying little autograph seeker”.
August 11th: Derek Jeter, dumped earlier in the day by Jessica Alba, spotted leaving Texas hold’em tournament at the Borgata with Ben Affleck.
August 21st: Jose Contreras’ family, sickened by his inconsistency, re-defects to Cuba.
September 16th: Kevin Brown returns from DL for 8 minutes, goes back on DL after tripping over threshold to clubhouse.
October 3rd: Sox clinch Wild Card on last day of season, Pedro Martinez phones from vacation home in Dominican Republic to congratulate team.