This isn’t a prediction. This is a wish.
I want Francisco Rodriguez to genuflect and scream to his lord three times in the coming week. I want K-Rod to dance victoriously on the grave of the 2008 Boston Red Sox. I want the rally monkey to play a prominent role on TBS’s sportscasts this week. If possible, I want Frank Caliendo to interview the rally monkey for an hour during an especially tense moment in a game. It would be great if Caliendo was doing his Robin Williams imitation during said interview. I want the Angels to have improved the Thunder Stix technology to the point that the only sound Sox fans can hear for months is the deafening rain storm of 55,000 of them shaking together. I want Dan Shaugnessy to be a side-line reporter. I want Gerry Callahan to do pre- and post-game analysis. I want Curt Schilling to announce his plans to replace Sarah Palin as McCain’s running mate right before the last inning of the series. If possible, I want A-Rod to announce over the PA system in Fenway that he is not opting out this season.
Here’s what will actually happen. The Sox are the better team. They are the best team in baseball run by the best management group right now. Boston is balanced and strong in all parts of the game. What will happen then is:
Dustin Pedroia will bat .800. David Ortiz will hit three walk-off homers in Game 1, and three more for each of the following games. The Sox will sweep. Julio Lugo will be shown on television shaking the lone Thunder Sti
xck in use. The rally monkey will have left the building. Francisco Rodriguez will still be annoying, just quietly so. Papelbon will be in his underwear again, wearing those goggles, with that stupid grin on his face. Everyone in Boston will be happy. I will be unhappy.
But just maybe, I can wish upon Sox fans an annoying tribute for an annoying player, who could possibly annoy them these next few days as much as he annoys me. Here goes: